Speedy was a friend of mine

It wasn’t until Fall of 2008 when I first met Jeret “Speedy” Peterson. I had come to work for the U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association just as he was taking a year off.

One of our first encounters was captured in this image.

So, there I am, some schmo in a wet suit, trying to ski off a ramp. And there is Speedy in the red shirt – a guy who jumps off much larger ramps made of snow, and who sets world records for being the best at doing so – ready to throw a floating donut at me should I need rescuing. If you can’t tell from his comment, the kid was funny.

Some of you know, and some of you may not, the story of an incredible winter athlete, and all-around charismatic person, who killed himself this July. That was Speedy, and he was my friend.

I have thought often since July of writing about him, because I’m telling you, you all should have been lucky enough to have known him. He was just damned great. Period. But I don’t think my words could ever do his personality the justice it deserves, and so I chose to reflect on him internally.

But now there is an important reason to talk about Speedy with all of you.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness is hosting a country-wide event called NAMIWalks for the Mind of America. People in communities across the U.S. have the chance to come together and walk in an effort to both raise money and awareness for mental illnesses. And I, along with many others who are his friends, will be walking to raise money for NAMI on Sept. 24, in honor of Speedy.

Mental illness. The term is so often charged with the social stigmas it has come to represent today. And that makes me so, so frustrated because if people were to talk about things like depression, anxiety and other mental disorders in the way that they do high blood pressure, then maybe there wouldn’t be so much shame attached to living with a mental illness. And maybe without that shame more people would be willing to seek out the help they need to overcome what they are going through.

I can remember clear as day the moments when I knew Speedy’s past was haunting him. Aimee Berg was in the process of writing a profile on Speedy. It was just starting to be fall and I stood in a slightly chilly Times Square in New York with Speedy waiting for his and other athletes’ photos to come up on the NASDAQ building. Speedy was on the phone pacing. When he hung up, he made a b-line for me.

“This lady is asking me so many questions,” he said, frustrated. “It’s just bringing up a lot of stuff.”

I reassured Speedy that it was OK to let Aimee know if he was uncomfortable talking at length about his past. And Speedy had reason to not want to talk about his past. It was a hard one, which included a sister who had been killed in a car accident, alleged sexual molestation, divorce, and even a roommate who shot himself in front of Speedy.

When all was said and done, the article was incredible, and I do think Speedy was proud of it. I know I was proud of him, and I still have my copy of that issue of Men’s Journal today. (Read the article here.) At the time, it was a story that said that it is possible to go through hell and have it still within you to reach the greatest heights.

But looking back on the way it affected him to talk about those things, I can see that they were demons he never dealt with.

And that is a common response to demons. Many people do nothing. Many people live with what feels like the weight of the world crushing them each and every day of their lives.

I, like many, many others, have never talked about my experience with depression and anxiety. This is truly the first time, and even as I type this, I can hear the words of a guy I used to date telling me that what I was going through wasn’t real, and that I didn’t need anything or anyone to help me through it.

Later, after that relationship had ended, he would tell people, “Tell Lindsey to keep taking her Prozac.”

Shame, embarrassment, humiliation and sadness are all things I felt after hearing that. In fact, I felt those things so powerfully that I, like a lot of other people, proceeded to live under the assumption that mental illness is a skeleton to be kept in a closet. You only tell those that you absolutely have to be honest with, and aside from that you hide it. And if you don’t hide it, if you don’t act like your whole life is perfect, you open yourself to judgment.

And trust me, the last thing a depressed person wants to attract is judgment.

But, upon hiding that secret away, one also hides just how much they need support and legitimate help. And so, they never get it.

And some people, well some hide it for so long that after a while they choose death as their only option for getting away from the demons.

If you look at it, 17 months before he died, Speedy was on top of the world. I remember sitting on the floor of the Today Show set in Vancouver with him and Emily Cook as we watched Michael Buble singing just three feet in front of us. We got a sneek peak at what the Olympic medals would look like before they were first shown on TV.

I didn’t say it to him when I shot this photo of he and Emily, but I truly thought to myself, “Foreshadowing???” And it was foreshadowing. Speedy landed that Hurricane, a trick only he can do, and he walked away from Vancouver with a silver medal and the world in front of him.

I wish Speedy were here today. If he were, I would tell him that though our stories and paths are different, I can understand the sadness and pain. I would also tell him that it’s OK to go get help. To go talk to someone until you understand it and the hurt doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. I would tell him, because I know from first hand experience, that people can work these things out if they put in the time. I truly wish he were around for me to say those things.

While I can’t tell him all of that, I can do my best to influence and open the eyes of as many people as possible to the reality of mental illness, and the very real ways it can be treated.

I believe that by talking about it, and by stopping this pervasive need to hide it away, that we have the ability to take the shame and embarrassment out of the equation for people who deal with mental illness. And once the shame and embarrassment are gone, honesty and healing can be something that happens frequently.

Let’s all talk about it, because I know it touches all of our lives. Let’s all talk about it, because it is possible to go through hell and have it still within you to reach the greatest heights with the right support.

I’ll be walking for Speedy. If you can donate, awesome. If you can’t, the best thing you can do is repost this blog and get people talking about a very real issue that we all have the ability to change.